The end of myself

The day has finally come. I can't "do it all" anymore.
I have been fighting tooth and nail to be able to breastfeed the twins since the beginning. It has been pretty difficult. My investment of time and effort into nursing, pumping, and seeking counsel from lactation consultants, other nursing mamas, and even the lady that wrote the book on breastfeeding twins has resulted in the success of exclusively breastfeeding the babies, without having to supplement.
We've been on the brink for a while now. Since we got back from Christmas break and saw Evelyn dip down below the 5% for weight, I've been getting the babies weighed every week. I borrowed the hospital's super-duper $2500 pump and have been pumping 2-4 times a day, then feeding the babies that milk, after nursing. So at least two feedings a day look like this: nurse babies simultaneously, burp and change babies individually, then try to nurse babies individually again, coaxing them to take the hindmilk. Then feeding one of them a warmed (not too hot, not too cold) bottle of expressed milk. Then pumping. It takes at least an hour.
I've also changed to feeding-on-demand. I used a Babywise-type schedule with the boys and after reading (a lot) more about the subject I think that was a bad idea. That type of schedule makes a lot of sense for formula-fed babies, since you can see how much they are eating, and because formula takes longer to digest, so the babies are satisfied for longer. And I can't deny it works great for some moms, but I think it definitely doesn't work for moms like me that make smaller amounts of milk at a time and will consequently need to nurse more often. But feeding-on-demand also presents challenges with twins. Like leaving the house. Ever. Because 10 minutes down the road, one or the other will need to eat. But I've been doing it.
I've read the textbook that the lactation consultants train on and tried everything it says to do to increase milk production for several months. But on Monday I learned that Gideon gained only one ounce in two weeks. Basically nothing. And he's been pretty fussy, sucking down the 2 ounce bottles I give him twice a day after nursing in no time, and then he looks for more, but there isn't any. I think he's just hungry.
Today Evelyn and Gideon are 5 months old. I gave Gideon his first formula today. Actually, my mom is the one that got him to take it. He had already nursed, but he drank a full 4 ounces.  That plus 7 ounces of expressed milk at other times during the day. So, an extra 11 ounces of milk today and he was a pretty happy baby and didn't cry much at all. I've called him my fussy baby more than once. But what if he was just my hungry baby?
I have dreaded giving them formula for so long because it felt like an admission of failure. Like I can't do it. Like my body isn't strong enough. Or I'm not dedicated enough. Or I'm doing something incorrectly. But the thrush is gone, anti-reflux meds didn't have any effect on their latch- so I think I've done everything I know to do to increase my milk supply and help them gain faster. And it's just not working anymore.
I'm fine with it now. I honestly don't know anyone personally that has exclusively breastfed their twins this long except the woman that wrote the La Leche League book on breastfeeding multiples. (I don't really know her, but I emailed her personally, and she kindly responded with some advice.) I know there are plenty of women out there that do it, but I don't know any. I'm grateful I was able to breastfeed exclusively this long.
In one short month their worlds will be opened up to a variety of new foods. A bit of organic formula won't be that big of a deal. But for now, it's something. Gideon's little belly is digesting something other than Mama's milk for the first time. He's sleeping peacefully now, snoring even. I think he'll be just fine.
Tomorrow Evelyn will get some supplementation. She isn't demanding it like he is, but I'm going to see if she is still hungry after I nurse her.
I've had a lot of support from Kevin, from my family, and from my friends. I have been to the other side of crazy and I am on my way back. If this snow would stop already and I could take all of my little ducklings out to the playground every day, I think my mental health would greatly improve. Until then I am learning to rely on the Lord for the little things, like admitting I'm not in control and having faith in the One who created my babies and entrusted them to Kevin and I.