Oops

How much damage does this look like to you? A thousand bucks to replace the bumper? Two thousand? How about at least 8 thousand. Because the insurance company is writing this bumper cruncher off as a total loss. Something about a bent frame. Great. I've never claimed to be a good driver, but now there is proof to the contrary.

So I got in an accident last weekend. I went out to dinner and ice cream with some girlfriends from Bible Study. It was my first time leaving the boys at home with a sitter, ever. Kevin has been gone now for 7+ months. The first time I'm out on the town (Coldstone Creamery), and this happens. It was my fault. It was a dark intersection and I didn't realize how fast those headlights were traveling toward me and I pulled out to turn left. Praise God my friend Amy (who was in the car) screamed, because I hit my brakes and the oncoming car immediately hit my front bumper. If she hadn't screamed, if I hadn't stopped, the car could have easily hit my door. And the old Accord does not have side-airbags. No one was hurt, which is ultimately the most important thing. And the boys weren't in the car- which is great because I don't have to worry about hidden injuries. But there is this embarrassing pang of being at fault for the thing. I know it was an "accident" but still, I could have been more careful, waited for those cars, etc. The other car had minimal damage- a scratched bumper and a busted headlight. Not even a dent.

I'm having a little bit of a crisis of identity. I have been all for staying at home with the boys. I think it is supremely important for children to have a parent at home, if possible. But I have had no challenge to my thinking. Not contributing financially to our family hasn't been an issue for me so far. I'm in pretty good control of the monthly budget for all of my expenditures and the boys' needs.

But this huge expense is something different. We weren't planning on buying a new car until (God willing) we have another baby. And we were hoping that by then, some car companies would have our perfect, dream car on the American market. We want a small(ish) station wagon with good gas mileage, that can seat 7 and pull a trailer. That's it. But all that's out there (in this country, anyways) are crossover vehicles that are almost perfect. They are smaller than the Excursions, but they aren't incredibly gas-economical. I built my dream car in my head a couple of years ago, and now the spike in gas prices has made that dream seem like it might actually get produced. But not in the next two weeks. I digress.

I was talking about not being able to pay for this expense myself. It was my mistake and I want to fix it immediately, or do something to contribute to the cost of the replacement. But I can't, because of our priorities regarding the boys. Of course Kevin is quick to remind me of how much I am contributing and he was wonderfully calm and not upset at me. He loves that I care for our children and was not phased by the "totalled" news at all. This is my issue. For the first time since becoming a mom, I have a little understanding of why Moms might want to go back to work. If Kevin wasn't so supportive, I might falter on my convictions. I am so thankful for a strong, loving husband.

Now I have to go research cars. All I really want is to have my old car back, even though it smells like spilled milk and Hannah.