Twins: Good and Bad News. And the Fears of a Mama.

These sonograms are pretty hard to read, I know. The babies were moving so fast and they are so big, they barely fit on the screen. But I thought I'd share them, none the less.

Baby Girl, with her foot in her mouth (almost)

Baby Boy, looking up. That white smudge under his chin was his hand waving.
The tops of their heads. Together.

More news about the twins.

I had an appointment with the doctor on Monday and the girl baby was transverse, as always. She's been lying like that in every single one of my 15 ultrasounds. No surprise, kind of disappointing. Everything else was fine.

Then Tuesday I had an growth-scan ultrasound down in Nashville. The techs down at Maternal Fetal Group are really good at recognizing body parts that now look to me like abstract black and white patterns. Every once in a while I'll see a hand or the bubbles of an umbilical cord, but I have no clue how the technician finds the girl's arm and differentiates it from the boy's.

Good News first: The babies are big and healthy. I've done my job eating lots and gaining weight. The girl's weight is estimated at 5 lbs. 7 oz. The boy's weight is estimated at 6 lbs. 1 oz. No wonder my skin hurts so bad from the stretching. They are huge! A singleton should weigh around 5 lbs. 8 oz. at this fetal age, so they're doing great.

The Bad News: Girl moved, but she moved her little bottom down so now she is breech. It does show me that she can still move in there, she just moved the wrong way. The boy, in case you're wondering, is now laying transverse across the top of my belly and their heads are right together underneath my belly button. It was a little encouraging, because just 24 hours before, Girl baby was transverse, like she has been the entire pregnancy. So it was exciting to see her move.

It was less than exciting to hear the doctor schedule a date for an anticipated C-Section. They don't like twins to gestate longer than 39 weeks because the placenta ages more rapidly in twins and stops working all together. There is a sharp increase in risk of stillborns after 39 weeks. (That risk-increase correlates to a 42 week gestation for a singleton.) And they will not try external version (manipulating the belly from the outside to get baby to turn down) with twins. Anyways, the doc saw my hesitation at scheduling when my children are to be born and said that the date is up for discussion closer to the time. She knows my desire to try to labor naturally and was sympathetic, to a point.

I have to admit to feeling like a failure, though. All of this baby carrying, baby having and child-rearing has helped me to feel like a strong, empowered woman these past 4 years. I've faced down a lot of challenges and come through them with a renewed trust in the Lord and faith in the strength that He gives me each day. But this, this I can't change. I can't do anything to make her move. I can't train harder, stay up later, or do anything to make Girl baby move into a better position. No amount of research that I do will help. Giving my husband an extra portion of grace when I really don't understand him won't help. Resisting bitterness during continual separations from my best friend won't get her to turn. Nothing. Nothing I can do will ensure that I am able to push these babies out.

I know, I know. I should be thankful. And I am thankful for not one, but two healthy babies. For not only being able carry them this long and thus avoid the normal twin complications of preterm labor and low-birth weight, but I've avoided bed rest. So many blessings I have all around me. And in me. It's not that I'm not thankful. And it's not even that I don't trust God to provide the best for me and for the twins. It's coming to the end of my own abilities that is so hard. Seeing how out of my control this situation is. I have come to this point before- when letting Kevin go off to war, again, with my two boys sitting in the back seat. But it's still painful.

I have to let go of my grip on my life. But I'm wallowing a bit. And I'm fearful of the unknown of a C-Section and all it's implications post-partum. Especially with nursing the twins. I know it will be hard to nurse them anyways, but after the babies being doped from the epidural and my milk having pain meds in it? I'm fearful. So I guess I do need to trust God more. I know I do.

Trusting God: An unending goal.